Eliminating the Negativity in Being Positive

Those of us who are Negative and barebackers walk a thin line. On one hand, most of us have a natural desire to remain Negative, while at the same time having the natural desire to enjoy sex without barriers. There is a very delicate balance to all this… bad decisions, moments of passion, lapses in judgment alone can disrupt that balance. And the false assurances of Positive men that they are Negative have the ability to do much damage in the wake of a fleeting moment of immediate gratification.

It seems that a good number of Positive men forget how delicate this balance is. Many seem to feel that HIV is something Negative men should overlook ~ or worse yet, that we should resign ourselves to acquire. Some POZ men see this disease as nothing more than an inconvenience of being gay and sexually active, and in that light an inconvenience their Negative brothers should share with them. Still others see it as an elephant in the room that should not be discussed.

Recently I have had conversations with numerous men on the subject of sex and sero-sorting, and I come away from those dialogues with a strong sense that the Positive men I chatted with feel as though I owe them a fuck because I am a barebacker AND Negative. There is a prevalent attitude among POZ men that I am either flawed or prejudiced against them for not wishing to throw all caution to the wind for a tumble in their POZ holes. Believe me, this is hardly the case. And for the record, there are many men I would LOVE to have fucked, but have turned down in the interest of keeping my HIV-Negative status. That hasn’t always been easy. But to me, it has become a practice of necessity.

Why don't we substitute the name of a different disease for HIV for a moment to illustrate why I and any other Negative man might not be so willing to engage in unprotected sex with someone who is Positive. Let's use Herpes. Like HIV, Herpes is treatable but incurable. I don’t see a lot of men dropping their pants and jumping into bed with the first men they meet who have an active Herpes infection. And generally speaking, most men who have Herpes are conscientious enough to tell their partners beforehand and/or abstain from sexual contact during an outbreak. They accept the nature and consequences of their disease and act accordingly.

Let’s plug in the name of another disease here: Hepatitis C. Hep C is permanent, debilitating, and not treatable. Again, I don’t bear witness to men wooing uninfected partners into bed with the promise of sharing Hep C. And, of course, I don’t know of anyone who would intentionally go out of his way to sleep with someone in hopes of catching it. Of course, there are probably a few bug chasers out there who would not pick and choose their viruses and who would take Hep C or Herpes as part of a package deal with HIV. But I’m just not seeing these viruses being singled out as attractive to healthy, sexually active males.

So what possesses HIV+Positive men to assume that HIV would be any different in the minds of Negative men? The fact is that it’s not. Even Negative men who might have Herpes or Hep C don’t necessarily want HIV added to the mix. And the notion by some of you Positive men that we Negative men must want to acquire HIV or we wouldn’t be barebacking is nothing more than a convenient justification designed to rid yourselves of guilt over the fact that you are not upfront with your partners about your status. You aren’t comfortable admitting your HIV to others so you talk yourselves into the belief that anyone who barebacks is a bug chaser. Boy, have you got that wrong! And the damage you do under the influence of that flimsy justification is inexcusable.

Now, if you’re POZ you’re probably thinking that I have something against POZ guys. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have many friends and ex-lovers who are HIV+Positive, and I love them all dearly. But that does not mean that I am going to hop in bed with someone who is POZ and fuck him bare like there’s no tomorrow any more than I would hop into bed and fuck with anyone who has Herpes or Hep C or ANY communicable disease. I have nothing against you… but I do have something against the diseases, and my underlying rationale is purely that of self-preservation. Some of you POZ men need to start realizing this and stop taking it so personally.

Most of you who are POZ came by the disease accidentally. The person who infected you didn’t know he was POZ, didn't tell you he was POZ, or intentionally lied to you about his POZ status. I am completely sincere when I say I think that’s terribly unfortunate. It’s a situation I work very hard to try to correct in our community by encouraging frequent testing and complete honesty among partners. And I provide as much information as possible to Negative men on ways we all can avoid going into situations that are certain to result in HIV infection. But I also have to remind you POZ guys that you have a part to play in all this too. You have an obligation to NOT spread the disease to other men, despite the justifications you may have talked yourself into in the past, and even despite what some HIV-Negative men claim they want. If a guy in a chat room says he wants to be converted, that’s hardly license to throw all of your morals out the window to accommodate him. You know that HIV is no walk in the park. You know that it alters your life drastically in many ways. And you know that it is not something that improves the lives of those who have it. So unless you’re completely sociopathic, why in the world would you want to fuck up someone else’s life with it... especially when your only reason is getting your dick off?

I don’t care if you were lied to, and that’s how you acquired HIV. Fact is, that’s past history. And you have the opportunity to be a better person to your sex partners than someone was to you. Let go of the resentment; it accomplishes nothing. Stop making up excuses and justifications for spreading the disease. Do the right thing. And stop feeling sorry for yourself when and if someone turns you down for sex based on your HIV status, because that person is not rejecting YOU, he’s rejecting the disease.

We’re all in this together. And the only way we’re going to bring about an end to HIV is to work together. That means we all have to make an effort to be HONEST with each other even if it means losing sexual conquests now and again. It means we have to practice respect for each other. It means we have to learn the power of the word "no" and know when to apply it without reservation. It means we have to make a pact with our "selves" to be the best person we can be even if it means making sacrifices. It means we have to graciously accept our circumstances and not wish harm upon other people even if someone else was less courteous to us. These may seem like difficult tasks in print. However they are amazingly simple in practice once you get the hang of them. Try them out for a while. Try being the better person and see how even during disappointments you feel good about yourself when you know you’re doing the right thing. Before long you may find yourself a changed person… for the positive!

Bareback Jack