Party Politics
Perspective, October, 2001
One of the mainstays within the barebacking community over the last several years has
been the "bareback party"... a return, more or less, to the all-male bacchinal.
While orgies have fallen in and out of favor in the gay community throughout the decades
depending on the permissiveness of society, since the beginning of the conscious return to
natural and unprotected sex the bareback party has acted as a carnal watering hole for
those of us who dislike the nuisance and sensation-compromising nature of the condom.
Bareback parties are foremost in introducing us to other men of like minds. They are a
"singles cruise" of sorts for men on the make, and in some regions a necessary
haven for hooking up for sex where safe-sex (if any sex between men) is the accepted norm and
public acknowledgment of raw sex is viewed as more of a disease than HIV itself.
Because of the threat of HIV still present in today's world, the bareback party is in a
rather unique class, as far as orgies are concerned. It is both necessary as a reality for
those who embrace the act of fucking bare, and powerful as a fantasy for those who just
can't allow themselves to fall away from using condoms. There are also many misconceptions
floating around, spurred on by people who have either bought into the fear that any sex without
protection is a death sentence, or who spread that fear as a means of validating their own
fears. Those who fit into the latter category have become known as "Condom Nazis"
since their sexual insecurities in turn become political positions. It isn't always easy in
the face of HIV and AIDS to toss such fears aside for an evening of raw sexual abandon
with a room full of strangers, no matter how attractive or hot the possibility might seem.
It is for that reason I stopped hosting bareback parties in my city. Too many men found it
altogether too easy to get on the computer and blithely send off an RSVP to me, saying they
would attend my upcoming party, only to never show up. Some "potentials" even had
the audacity to play this game several times over the course of many months. While that was
frustrating, it was even moreso when they would show up, only to bring condoms or
attempt to stand around fully dressed as if such a party was some sort of spectator sport.
Of course, since I stopped hosting my own house parties, the ones who have whined at me
the most are the very ones who never showed up or who refused to participate.
Go figure.
I recently attended another bareback party in this town. It was a small outdoors affair,
and a fair amount of fun. I later learned the host was a bit dismayed when fewer than one third
the number of confirmed RSVP's showed up... and that was, he speculated, less than one
quarter of the people contacted with direct invitations. Regrettably, I was able to admit I
could share in his dismay, having been there countless times before.
While this seems to be a rather frequent occurrence in our anally-conservative "city",
it is not uncommon elsewhere as well. Since starting this website in 1988, I have heard similar
complaints from party hosts across this nation. It leaves me to question, have we become
so uncouth as a society that we can no longer say what we mean and do as we say? Are we
so self-absorbed that integrity no longer matters to us? Do we care so little for others
and their hospitality as to routinely flake out on the social obligations we commit ourselves
to?
To those who have never hosted a sex party, let me point out to you what happens when
people play this little game. Everyone involved with the party counts on you when you respond to a party invitation.
Not just the hosts, but the other guests as well. Most party hosts spend the better part
of the day of the party (and several evenings in advance) preparing for their event. They
send out invitations via several available channels on the internet, respond to every
RSVP received, answer your questions, send out follow-ups and reminders, field phone calls,
and take the time to download hideously huge photo attachments sent with replies. They go
to the trouble of cleaning house, setting up the yard, preparing and
protecting their furniture, and sometimes re-arranging their living quarters to suit the
number of people they expect. They shop for necessary items, from lube and towels to
beverages and snacks, basing their purchases on the number of men who confirm their desire
to attend. In truth, most sex party hosts do not routinely have their homes ready for such large
orgies at the drop of a hat... or the drop of a zipper, anyway. It takes hours and even days
of preparation to get set up.
Additionally, because of space limitations a host may also like to limit attendance to a
comfortable number, and will try to restrict the guest list to as close to that number as possible. It's
daunting for all when a host feels he has to turn other, perhaps more serious respondants away because
he's received as many RSVP's as he can accommodate, only to find he ends up with
a small percentage of those RSVP's actually showing up.
In some cities where parking is restricted, generous hosts will even go to the trouble of
securing parking permits for their guests. These permits are limited, and require a trip
to the local City Hall to secure. Some cities, like West Hollywood, charge a nominal fee
for each, and they are good only for the evening of the party and are non-refundable. Where
parking is not restricted, neighborhood-conscientious hosts may even alert their neighbors
to the party (albeit not invite them) so as to keep in good standing within their area.
It is therefore understandable that, following the amount of work involved and the
expenses incurred, (not to mention the hopes that have been raised) that the hosts of sex parties feel dismay when men give them the
assurance that they will be attending, only to not show up.
As for the guests who do attend, many come to such parties in anticipation of having a
variety of men to both play with and/or cruise. Piggy bottoms (who usually find these kinds of parties irresistable, thankfully) usually
spend a good amount of time cleaning out in advance in preparation of a night of getting
their cumholes filled with the juices of many men. It is to their disappointment when they
go home as empty as they arrived, or with only one or two gratuitous loads, simply because
more than half the expected attendees never bothered to show. Topmen such as myself also like a
variety of bottoms to accommodate, and find disappointment when that variety is not available.
The upshot of all this is that nobody really likes a bullshitter.
The only people who get
off on fantasies that are not acted upon are the people who present those fantasies. Otherwise,
the bullshitter is looked upon with disdain and contempt. Those who bullshit are doing
nothing more than wasting the precious time and money of others with more serious intentions,
and wasting cyberspace in diddling their own dicks behind their computer monitors. They
are contributing nothing to the very people they claim they want to interact sexually with.
Such behavior is contemptable at best, and shows a complete lack of consideration to every
person involved in the planning and attending of such parties. There is no excuse for such
lack of manners.
The suggestion I have made to the host of the last party I attended is to announce in his
future invitations that any and all persons who RSVP will be expected to attend, and any
"guests" who flake out will be reomved from the invite list and blacklilsted from
attending any future parties... if they don't have the decency to cancel within a reasonable
amount of time prior to the event. I have also suggested that any invitees who cancel out on two
consecutive parties also be blacklisted. And if it were me, I would publish the internet
identities of the no-shows on my website. But that's just me, and I can be a bitch if pushed to it.
Still, such retaliation seems the only way to regain control of the situation, especially in
an area that seems to have such an ongoing problem with lack of attendance.
Below is a list of absolutes that should be followed when invited to a bareback party:
- DO NOT RESPOND to a party invitation if you know you do not intend on attending,
if your schedule will not permit it, if you'll be out of town, or if you're the type to routinely back out of such
engagements. You know whether or not you're the type to attend a bareback party. Don't lead
other people on to believe you'll be there when you won't.
- SEND REGRETS with as much advance notice as possible if you cannot
attend or have changed your mind.* Don't simply pull a no-show.
People will lose faith in you,
and you may find yourself unwelcome at future parties regardless of how good you look or
how big your dick is. Word travels fast on the internet and at parties, so flaking out on
Joe Blow's bareback party may mean
that John Doe won't care to consider you for his next one either. Also, BE
HONEST when sending your regrets. Admitting that you aren't comfortable
attending a bareback party will go a lot further with the host than pretending you want to
attend and then not showing up, or lying that your great aunt Tillie suddenly met her maker and you
have been called away.
(* an acceptable timeframe for regrets is at least 24 hours prior to the party, not during
the party)
- BE ON TIME. If the host gives you a window of time in which to
arrive, be there within that timeframe.
This helps ensure that everyone attending will have as much opportunity to fuck and get
fucked as the next guy. Besides, being late is rude. If you have to spend a night at a
bar getting plastered before you can take your clothes off, and then feel the need to try
your luck at a bathhouse first, a private party with set arrival times is not for you. And,
showing up late only makes you look bad and pisses off the host.
- BYOB MEANS BYOB. It does not mean "rely on someone else to supply your beverages
for you". Most hosts will provide gratuitous beverages in case the supply runs low,
but if the invitation says BYOB it means you are expected to bring your own...
even if it means stopping at a convenience store along your way. Forgetfulness is no excuse.
- BOTTOMS: CLEAN OUT FIRST. Few men like a dirty fuck, and yet there are plenty of men
who show up at bareback parties without having douched at home. Not all hosts will have the
necessary douching equipment set up or will be willing to devote the time you'll need in the shower to do that
once you are there. It is rude to tie up a bathroom while you are attending to something
you should have taken care of before you left home.
- NEVER BRING CONDOMS. While this seems like common sense, I've seen it happen. If you
can't bring yourself to enjoy sex without using those ugly little baggies, then don't bring
yourself to a bareback party. Your refusal to play by the rules will be unwelcome.
While the media would like to portray them as such, most bareback parties are not planned as
"conversion parties" or "Russian roulette"
events. Some parties are organized as "Poz-only"
or "Negative-only" events. You should also be respectful of the host's desire to
limit attendance to only those who know their status and fall into the desired category.
There is no reason in the world HIV-positive men and men who are unsure of their status
should attend an all-negative party. To play around at a party where the guests are
expected to be of one sero-status when you are not of the same is to unnecessarily
put yourself or others at risk. Bad karma.
Likewise, mixed parties, which are more common, often require each guest to be honest about
his sero-status when asked, unless it is specifically stated beforehand that no discussion of status
is to be had.
And, if you have a cold, flu, social disease, or another
contageous condition, CALL or E-MAIL THE HOST and STAY AT HOME. The other guests are there to
fuck or get fucked, not to get fucked over by your illnesses.
If you respect these absolutes and use common courtesy, bareback parties will continue to
be what they have started out to be: meeting places for men who like to play hot, wet,
wild, and RAW. On the other hand, ignoring such "common courtesies" will eventually contribute to the failure of this very
important kind of event within our community.
Another problem I have seen with bareback parties is that once someone in town starts hosting
them, the responsibility for hosting every party falls squarely and solely on that person's shoulders. Many is the time I
have been asked when I will host another party, as if I am the only one who, for some
unknown reason, is capable of doing so. I reply by asking when THEY plan on hosting a party
instead. The usual response: "Oh, I can't have a party at my place!"
What a bunch of caca.
I have attended successful sex parties held in studio apartments, one bedroom flats, garages, shared
homes (when the roommate/lover is away), hotel suites, cheap motel rooms, private pools,
luxury condos and more. When someone says he can't host a party at his place,
what he usually means is: "There's no way I'm
going to put myself out to host a party when you can put yourself out instead."
While it may be a bit of
work to organize a party, men can gather for sex in anything from a cluster of bushes to the
Ritz-Carlton. I lose my respect for people who say they can't host a party when it is perfectly
evident they can but don't want to be bothered. All it really takes is the desire. But if it is
your desire to only "take" and never "give", then don't expect others
to always invite you into their homes. If you want to be part of a sex party then DO YOUR PART.
No whining,
No bullshit,
and no excuses.
In other words, be real, or shut the fuck up.
Here's to the success of your next party!
Bareback Jack
(* an acceptable timeframe for regrets is at least 24 hours prior to the party, not during the party)
