Defining Integrity
Perspective, May 2002
I get a lot of letters from men with questions. All sorts of questions, and fantasies and whatnot.
Occasionally I get requests to help hook people up with other barebackers in their area. That's not
ever an easy thing to do. I think people assume I have vast, far-reaching personal connections via
the internet to all the barebackers around the globe, and that I know the identities of all the barebackers who are not
currently advertising themselves in the few bareback connection resources out there.
Umm... no.
But that's okay. It never hurts to ask. Besides, I'm flattered by the assumption I am
that well connected.
Occasionally though, I do receive certain pieces which, by virtue of the ignorance of their
requests, offend me to the core. Such is this case in pont:
A viewer (whose name will be withheld) wrote me the other day requesting my help in arranging a
sexual tryst for him while he and his lover are vacationing in Europe this summer. Harmless request,
right? Yes, except for a little business about him not wanting his lover to know about this tryst because his
lover apparently doesn't approve of (nor does he practice) bareback sex. So, in essence, the man who
penned this perfidious letter wanted me to help him cheat on his lover and co-conspire to introduce
an element of risk into that man's life without his knowledge.
THAT is exactly the kind of crap I find most offensive.
I mean, what have I been haranguing about these last several years? Responsibility! I have defended
your individual rights to make choices affecting your own lives, and I have chastised you when you've
written me with confessions of wrongdoings. I have tried to drum home the dangers associated with
barebacking so they hopefully aren't forgotten in a moment of passion, and I have encouraged honesty
from all of you (and I've been very impressed with the honesty most of you have exhibited when you've
written). Why? Because when you add up Honesty + Responsibility + Knowledge, you get = INTEGRITY.
There are other ingredients to Integrity, too. There's dependability
or reliability,
for example.
There's considerate behavior, and there's PRIDE. These qualities can be found under the umbrella
of Integrity as well. Though it has several definitions relating to separate sets of circumstances,
Integrity in general is the ability to rise above utter selfishness and act in a respectful
manner towards others. In business, it is the key ingredient to staying ahead of the game. In war,
it is the necessary element for utilizing resources to their best advantage, and in keeping on top of
things while chaos is all around. In sports, integrity is what keeps team members focused on a win,
and makes them humble if they lose. And in the bedroom, integrity is the employment of honesty,
knowledge and respect before, during and after the act itself.
The reason I devote as much space on this site as I do to warnings, reminders, and information is
because of the risks involved and the integrity needed to present alternative sexual material
in ways that are positive for our society as a whole. Certainly it would be easier to do as other
bareback sites have done and minimize or ignore altogether these messages, but frankly I couldn't live
with myself if I thought I wasn't giving everyone the opportunity to be educated about risk management.
What would it say about my integrity if I didn't show the concern? And what would it say about
my integrity if I actually helped this fellow arrange a clandestine affair without his better half's
permission or knowledge? Such things go against my personal philosophies, and asking me to be a part
of something so dishonest, so thoughtless and selfish is really, really offensive.
Using integrity isn't always easy. It means we do have to say "NO" to ourselves at times.
It means we have to occasionally forego certain pleasures because they are not wise or healthy. It
means we have to better ourselves or at least be the best person we can be toward others. And when
we employ integrity into our lives, the temptations to veer away from integrity seem to come from
every possible place.
Doubting Thomases often try to chip away at your integrity to see what you are really made of.
No matter how you play it, someone's always lurking in the picture, ready to accuse you of all sorts
of terrible misdeeds and fabrications, and waiting to make note of any mistake you might make.
Some people flat out don't believe in your integrity. Most
will doubt it. And while these challenges make it harder to act with integrity, they do not make
acting with integrity an impossibility.
Integrity is achievable by all people. It's not something a person is incapable of reaching. It
is something that must be developed. It cannot be bought for any price. It takes
determination, a strong will, and the ability to put the ego's incessant demands aside for a while
in order to do what is best for all involved. For example, if you and a prospective trick are sero-incompatible
(one is HIV negative and the other is HIV positive), integrity demands you discuss HIV status before
undoing each other's pants and accept whatever decision is made between you. If the answer is "no",
integrity reminds us that there are plenty of other men to play with. Integrity also demands honesty.
If you're not in the habit of being honest, this is a tough one. But with practice honesty comes easy
and feels much better than the lie does.
So, in response to our man who wants to have a fling in Europe without his lover's knowledge:
Sir,
I would recommend you perform your first act of integrity and leave the man you are making plans to cheat on. You've
made it clear that you both have different sexual outlooks, and since you are apparently unwilling to
compromise your piggish needs for his more conservative sexual practices or for his safety and peace of mind,
you are really not as compatible with him as you may have led yourself to believe. Give the man his freedom
back so you can have the freedom you now desire. You aren't doing him any favors by fucking around
bareback without his knowledge or consent. And frankly, he doesn't deserve such a raw deception.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Bareback Jack
