Dear Jack,
You don't know me, but I really need some help. Call me Sam. I can't
discuss this with doctors or professionals, 'cuz they just tell me what they
'supposed to say', and I need something more honset. My boyfriend suggested
I look at your site. He say's that if you can give me some advice, it will
be totally honest, because you don't have
an 'agenda'. I know it's a long story, but my boyfriend says if you can help
us out with a reply, he'd be happy to make a donation to your site.
I'm 19 and negative. My boyfriend of 8 months is 30 and positive. I love
him more than anything in the world, and he loves me the same. We've lived
together since I've been 18. He would only ever have 'safe sex' until
recently. Our sex life was OK, but not great. Even though I would beg him
to fuck me without a condom, or try to fuck him without one, he wouldn't. I
could sometimes get him to slip a stroke in, but when he realized it, he'd
stop. I could see the guilt in his eyes. He'd put a rubber on. When he
wears a rubber, it hurts my ass. Also, he can only keep it up for so long.
Its not just the physical feeling, but the feeling of closeness I want. We
were drifting apart, and were on the road to a breakup. Here's where we're
at now:
In the last week or so, he finally agreed to fuck me bareback. He
apparently misunderstood something I said, and thought I wanted him to
infect me. He fucked for a long while, and it was great - amazing - the
best sex we've had. As he got closer, he asked if I 'wanted it'. I told him
I did, and he came in my ass.
I was very upset, and when he saw that, he was confused. I told him I didn't
want him to cum in my ass. I thought he would pull out. He says I'm either
lying, or he has infected me without my consent, and that either way it will
destroy our relationship. Now we're having a lot of trouble.
For the last week we have talked a lot, and I'm trying to be honest, but I'm
confused. I really think I don't want to get HIV. I've told him I want to
be able to bareback, top and bottom - provided he doesn't cum in my ass. His
viral load is undetectable and always has been. He also has no pre-cum at
all. I think that I can carry on with this behaviour and it is 'reasonably'
safe, provided he doesn't cum in me. I know it is a risk, but I think its a
reasonable one. I think that it's his refusal to bareback that may be what's
destroying our relationship. So for the last week, we've been having great
fantastic sex - all bareback. I've pumped so much cum in him that it runs
out and over his balls, and fucks me for hours, and then cums on my back or
on my belly. It has been great. Except that now he's becomming depressed.
He says he can't go on doing it, because he will certainly be infecting me
sooner or later. He says the guilt of knowing he is infecting me against my
will is going to destroy him. He will only continue to bareback it if I will
admit to him that I'm prepared to accept his virus. That way - he says-
there'll be no guilt, and only honest sex. He says its the lack of honesty
that's inhibiting our intimacy - not just the condoms.
So here are my questions:
- Am I guaranteed to get HIV if we bareback - even though he doesn't cum in
me? You are negative, no? Didn't your past pos. boyfriends fuck you
without condoms? Didn't they cum in you?
- Should I lie to him and tell him I don't mind being infected, so we can
continue to be close, without guilt? Or should I leave the relationship?
- Should we go back to condoms, and take our chances where the intimacy
lies?
I know you don't know me from Adam, but if you could help me out, you may be
able to save my relationship. I love him so much, and can't bear to live
without him. I know he loves me more than anything in the world.
Sam.
P.S. I have begun on the HIV vaccine trials. I've had the first 2 of 8
shots, but, of course, don't know if I've got the placebo..
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Hi Sam,
You poor fellow...You have found yourself in the midst of one of
the more difficult barebacking dilemmas, haven't you?
Of course, the first thing on my mind is what an 19-year old and a
30 year old have in common. That's an eleven year gap. From my vast
experiences with large gaps (in your case, ages), a problem often
develops with respect to outlooks and maturity levels. Of course, you
both call the glue which binds you together "love", so let's work with
that.
There are a number of things I don't understand about your situation.
First of all, the business about cumming in your ass. Granted, from
what you've written, your answer of "YES" when he was approaching
orgasm and asked if you "wanted it" is an understandable error. You two
were not relating on the same level and he misunderstood what you meant
by "yes". I also might have, given the way the conversation played out.
However, I question this misunderstanding to a degree since he MUST
have deduced from previous conversations that you wish to remain
negative. It would be my assumption that a long discussion (in which
you asserted without question you wanted him to infect you) would have
to precede his actually blowing infected semen into the ass of the man
he claims he loves. Since you apparently didn't have such a conversation,
I have to wonder what he was thinking.
Of course, you are sending him a variety of messages, and while the
subtleties might be clear in your head, they are obviously not in his.
On the surface you're saying "I don't want you to infect me", and then you
are trying to encourage him to engage in behavior which, at the very
least, puts you at a much higher risk of him doing exactly what you
tell him you want to avoid. Then when he does what you have been
begging him to do, and he asks you if you "want it", you get angry with
him after he does what you more or less told him to do. And now he
feels guilty for possibly infecting you as well as continuing to put
you at risk of infection. I can see why it is tearing him apart.
Perhaps to ease his guilt/fear/pain he feels that if you make the
ultimate sacrifice for your relationship, those difficult emotions will
be lessened since you'll be on the same playing field. I think he knows,
as I know, that converting you would not be the best answer.
He then reportedly calls your wishy-washiness "dishonesty" because you
haven’t stated you want the virus. This is a dangerous little game. If
you tell him you want him to infect you, it eases his conscience in the
bedroom. If you lie in order to win his approval, you potentially put
your life on the line. Unwise. Very unwise.
As for your part, you might want to seriously examine why you are
battling within yourself over this issue. I tend to agree with him that
there is something you aren’t admitting to entirely. Do you have a
secret desire to convert? Is it some kind of fantasy scene you ponder
or beat off to? The whole conversion fantasy is VERY powerful. I’ve
blown a few loads into my hand thinking about its kinkiness now and
again. If this is the case, I can feel for you. I’ve been there, torn
between what is best for me and what would feel best at the moment.
I’ve learned that events which might bring an end to one type of
suffering will likely begin a whole different series of pains…
especially when our heads tell us the event is not a good one. It is not
a bad thing to fantasize about making the ultimate sacrifice for love. In fact
it's sweet. But you need to be clear if you're entertaining these
thoughts whether they are fantasy or reality and address them accordingly.
You had specific questions which I’ll answer:
Q) Will you be guaranteed to get HIV if you bareback even if he doesn’t
cum in you?
A) There is no guarantee either way. However, as a negative bottom
receiving the fuck from a positive top, you put yourself at the
greatest risk of sexually transmitted HIV in this situation. The risk
is arguably less if you are a negative top fucking a positive bottom,
although the medical profession believes that there is still substantial
risk involved. As for my situation, I’m a top. Always have been, except
for a couple of occasions with my last lover. And during those two
occasions, he did not cum in me, knowing full well the possible outcome
for me if he did.
Q) Should you lie to him and tell him you wouldn’t mind being infected?
A) Absolutely not! What kind of good do you imagine will come of that?
Lies within a relationship are perhaps the most destructive actions a
person can do. Lying undermines trust. And such a lie will ultimately
end up in your being infected if he acts on it. If you tell him you
want to be infected and then pull a switcheroo on him, he will feel
betrayed. And you will betray your own truth as well. You think your
relationship is on hard times now? It won’t get any better in the long
run if you lie to him.
Q) Should you go back to condoms and take your chances where intimacy
is concerned?
A) I really do not know what that means. If there is truly love between
you, holding hands is a type of intimate behavior. Kissing is a type of
intimate behavior. And while I personally do not think condoms are
intimate apparel, if you intend on remaining negative AND versatile,
I see no other way for you.
Q) Should you leave the relationship?
A) I cannot make that decision for you. I know you are young, and you
probably want to share every single aspect of life with your man. But
sometimes that is not always possible. I too wanted my ex to be able
to cum in my ass on the occasions he fucked me, just as I could do to
him. I wanted to do away with the condoms when he was inside me.
Reality and rationality prevented me from giving in, and I am thankful
for that. For as much as I loved him, he turned out to be unfaithful
and left me for his sex and drug habits. Had I given in to my base
desires in order to feel equal in bed, I’d likely be on protease
inhibitors today, dumped by the man I would have given my life to,
and all for a love that went terribly wrong.
I think the answer here is basic: you need to spend some time alone,
evaluating exactly what level of risk you are willing to take. With
each level, you need to be sure you will be able to handle the
corresponding likelihood of HIV infection. What will you do if you get
HIV from your man? What will you do if he leaves you or dies afterward?
If you don’t think you can handle HIV infection, you need to tell him.
But you must first be honest with yourself before you can be honest
with him.
You can still have sex, but you both will have to reach a mutual
understanding of who does what to whom and how. If condoms make you
sore, you might have to resign yourself to always being the top in your
relationship, and he, the bottom. You could open up your relationship
to another HIV-negative man who could give your rump the bareback
pounding you desire. You could find another poz/neg couple and have a
4-way thing. These are merely some suggestions, and going outside your
relationship can open the door to many other complications and
uncertainties. The main difficulty with mixed sero status relationships
is that there often has to be a rather fixed boundary that is agreed
upon between the lovers, and total bareback versatility is most often
not the option.
I cannot, as I said, make the decision for you. You both must reach an
accord by discussing your options and each partner’s comfort level with
respect to each option. If one or both of you are unwilling to reach a
mutual compromise in order to protect your health, then it would seem
obvious that this relationship is not working. If you are incapable of
solving this dilemma, I recommend each of you goes his own way.
I know love is not fair. I certainly did not set out to have 3 HIV
positive lovers in a row. However today I am following my head a bit
more and not permitting myself to get too serious with someone who is
HIV positive. It’s not prejudice. It’s practicality. I certainly am
not disappointed I met any of my previous three positive lovers. Their
presence in my life was valuable, educational and enriching, and I
wouldn’t be who I am today without them, especially the most recent
one. But in order for me to truly share myself completely with another
man, he would need to be the same sero-status as I. Of course this is
what is important to me. You need to discern what is important to you
and work from there.
I truly hope you guys can work it out. This is perhaps the toughest
part of a gay relationship, and it does happen somewhat frequently.
If you are strong and true to yourself, you will do the right thing.
Good luck,
~Bareback Jack.
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