Dear Jack,
Hello. I'd like to ask, if I may, What do you recommend as acceptable evidence as to a man's HIV status?
Or, put another way, can one rely that most men are honest enough to tell a sex partner what their status is,
assuming they know it? I understand that one can't expect a potential top man sex partner to produce a paperwork
saying he's HIV negative, so, well, I guess that's why I'm asking you what you or people you respect might do. Thanks.
Signed
Wondering
|
Dear Wondering,
You bring up a very important question... How DO people know whether they are being told the
truth about someone's HIV status or not? The answer, unfortunately, is that it's rather impossible to
know in many cases.
Your best defense in "knowing" is to spend time getting to know the person you
want to have sex with before letting him bury the bone in you. Through conversations, whether
they be on the phone, on the internet, or in a bar or other meeting place, you can determine
to some degree the person's integrity. Pay attention to what he says and how he answers your
questions. Are there hesitations? Do some of the things he says not quite add up? Are there
differences between what his profile says and what he tells you in a live chat? Look for
red flags, even when discussing non-sexual topics. If a guy isn't honest with you about
one thing, no matter how insignificant, chances are good he won't be honest with you about
his HIV-status.
Put some time between your initial contact and actually getting together. The less immediate
the situation, the less likely he is to lie to you for the sake of his immediate gratification.
Time also gives you the opportunity to feel the fellow out more and develop a better sense
of his integrity and honesty.
Try putting a phrase like, "open to long-term relationship" in your own profile.
A LTR may not be your primary motive, but by indicating that you might be looking for something
more serious, you will weed out those who just want a fly-by-night fuck at whatever price to you. A reference that
you have something more serious in mind also indicates a more serious investment of the other
guy's time. If he's going to lie to you about HIV status, he probably won't want to be around
when your next test comes back... he'll have to deal with your wrath once his lie is exposed.
Most guys who lie don't like to be accountable later on.
The chances are rather small that you'll find a lot of honesty in places like bath houses,
sex clubs, bookstores,
bareback parties, and parks, where sex is immediate and anonymous. It's not wrong to ask
someone their status in such locations, but it is unwise to expect a completely honest answer
from anyone whose sole purpose is to get laid in those environments.
A big rule when it comes to maintaining your HIV-negative status is to avoid having sex
with guys who "party and play". From my extensive experience in dealing with
"partiers" I have found that they will say whatever they need to say or whatever they think
you'll want to hear so they can get laid. You'll often find glaring discrepancies in the
information they share with you. Pay attention to those discrepancies. Remember, party drugs,
especially crystal meth cause the user to lie without conscience to get what he wants.
And, there is evidence that shows that most people who use crystal are either HIV+Positive
when they start, or they acquire HIV while they are using it. It's best to not share your
bed with someone with so little regard to his own health and welfare. If he doesn't respect
his body, it's a safe bet he won't respect yours. Look for "PnP" in profiles and
avoid those men.
If a profile doesn't include that information, or if you meet someone
in a physical place like a bar, ask if he parties. If he says "yes" in any way (including
"a little here, a little there") stop the conversation right there and tell him
"no thanks". Expect to hear any number of excuses and attempts at justification in
response. Don't fall for them. Tweakers can be seductive or persuasive if you give them the
opportunity for ongoing discourse, but such persuasion isn't sexy... it's sick. Keep in mind that they make the decision to combine drugs with
sex and that the price they pay is going to be rejection from those who do have integrity.
Always remember: THE DRUG MAKES THEM
LIE. Say no thanks and move on. Better to be safe than sorry.
The people I respect, as you put it, don't lie about their HIV status because they have no
need to. They are secure enough with themselves that the possibility of rejection, regardless
of their answer, won't make them act dishonestly. They don't use the drugs that cause them to
lie. They know that there are plenty of hot guys out there who can meet the honesty
challenge, and that not getting to fuck with the guy that gets their attention at that
particular moment in time isn't the end of their world.
You say you think it is unreasonable to expect a top to produce a test result on demand. I disagree.
It may be somewhat unlikely in the real world, but it is not unreasonable to ask, nor to base your
answer on his ability or inability to produce the proof you seek.
Whenever I get my HIV test results, I request a photocopy of it to keep in my nightstand.
I consider it to be an important enough document to have readily available for the asking, just
as one might have proof of a diploma or credentials when going to a job interview. That piece of paper
is a diploma of sorts... or a merit badge, and it shows that you are not only proud that you're
HIV-negative, but that maintaining your HIV-negative status is important to you. I don't think it
is at all unreasonable to ask a potential fuck for such paperwork. After all, it's your life you're hoping to
protect. The only people who will take offense when you ask them to produce such documentation
are those who either don't have it out of negligence, or those who are trying to hide something. The more
offended they act, the more they might be trying to pull one over on you.
If you're lucky enough to find a top with a copy of his test results, be sure to check the
date on his. If the date is over 6-8 months, you might still want to hold off on barebacking
until he can offer you a more recent test. Likewise, be sure you have dated, documented proof
of your HIV status available for him should he ask. Make sure your
copy shows a printed date, too. Don't expect him to provide any more proof than you can offer
in return.
Remember: Although a test result copy is considered reasonable proof, it is not concrete proof.
Take into account his sexual habits as well to determine his integrity overall.
Lastly, if you are primarily or exclusively a bottom, I'd recommend finding exclusive tops
to fuck you. Men who don't dabble in top/bottom versatility are the least likely to become
infected, and consequently to pass that infection on to you. When you find a guy or guys you
can trust, be good to him/them in return. If the sex is good or you get out of it what you want
or need, offer to be a bareback fuck buddy for him. You can develop a better level of mutual
trust through an ongoing sexual relationship.
All this means you're not going to get laid as often as you might like, at least not bareback.
But it's a sacrifice even I make to stay on the healthier side of sex.
To recap:
- Use the head on your shoulders instead of the one in your pants.
- Listen/look for discrepancies, lies and other information that doesn't add up.
- Focus less on immediate gratification and take time to get to know someone first.
- Avoid having sex with the PnP crowd.
- Avoid sex in 'anonymous' places where drug use and dishonesty are commonplace.
- Ask for documentation. It's your right.
- Find exclusive tops to play with.
- Always use good judgement.
- Look for integrity in your partner instead of just a hot body, good looks or a big dick.
- Never expect more honesty or integrity than you are prepared to give.
- Go for quality over quantity.
I wish the best, healthiest bareback experiences for you!
~Bareback Jack.
|
