Dear Jack,
I have submitted a few questions to you over the last two years, and have
usually gotten sound advice. I really respect your point of view and ?expertise?,
even though you yourself admit that you're not a trained medical or psychological
doctor. That's OK with me...just an intelligent, calm and informed voice
can make all the difference!
My question is this: At what point should a HIV-positive guy tell his fuckbuddy
about his condition, especially if it seems the fuckbuddy is turning into
somethong more serious?
I am going through this with one of my friends. He is poz, and not terribly
shy about saying so, but for obvious reasons he likes to keep that information
on a need-to-know basis. He's started seeing a guy regularly that he really
likes.
He was really torn about the appropriate time to tell his new-found guy.
He says that he ONLY has sex with condoms (the two have been pretty versatile
so far), and therefore feels that, since he is not putting his partner at
risk (according to HDC guidelines), there's no need to break the news too
soon.
I can understand his reluctance to tell just anybody about his positive
condition. If it's someone you've just met and don't know well yet, you
have no way of knowing what they'll do with that information...I've seen
instances of sick, vicious queens advertising that information about others
on websites.
However, when IS the right time to tell your new significant other?
I suggested that the one-month point was reasonable. I said that, however
remote (his viral load hovers at near zero), there still is some chance
of transmitting the virus to the guy--therefore the guy should be informed,
and be able to make his own decisions about how, and if, to continue the
sexual part of their relationship.
Help us BBJ!
Thanks,
Rick
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Dear Rick,
I'm glad you and many others consider me to be an "intelligent,
calm, and informed voice". Thank you. I think that the world
needs more of such people. I'm proud to be thought of as one of them.
Now, to your question... when do I feel a person should tell a fuck
buddy about his HIV status? Before the first time the pants come off.
Granted, that's before any fuckbuddy relationship begins, but it's
best to start every relationship off on an honest foot.
You see, when an individual withholds that kind of information at the
start, it is in effect a lie. The other person builds expectations on
his assumptions. And if the fuckbuddy relationship works its way into
a relationship with more meaning (which they often can), then "coming
clean" can be more problematic than if there had been honesty from
the very beginning.
Think of the other guy. He may be positive, yes. But he also may not
be. If he is negative, it is very likely that he assumes that his
fuck buddy (or fuck buddies) is/are negative as well. In this day and
age we all know that it isn't wise to assume that ANY person with whom
you have sex is HIV-Negative. But it also doesn't feel right
to assume that about everybody. I think most people optimistically
assume that their sex partner(s) are the same status as themselves...
unless and until they have been told otherwise. And it's best to tell
your sex partner of your positive status yourself rather than have him
hear it from someone else.
Let's pretend that this person (the fuckbuddy) is negative and he assumes
that your friend is negative as well. The longer this deception (for that's
what it is) continues, the greater the chance that your friend's fuckbuddy
will feel taken advantage of or sexually abused once the truth comes out.
You are absolutely correct that [insecure] people over-react when it comes
to HIV. Prolonging the admission only worsens their reaction, especially
if they have any Drama Queen blood running through their veins.
So, the IDEAL time to mention one's poz status is at the beginning. In your
friend's case, the sooner the better. He should be prepared to deal with
his buddy's disappointment or anger if it should manifest itself. But he
should realize that any such display will be at least half his fault for
waiting this long to be upfront.
HIV has been downplayed in advertising media, and as a result I have seen a
trend develop among HIV+Positive men where they exhibit a thinner skin
regarding public opinion of the HIV+Positive. To many gay men and non-gay
individuals, HIV is still a deeply frightening albeit misunderstood thing.
There are still a lot of people who have knee-jerk reactions over the discovery
that a person they know is HIV+Positive. So rejection and excessive drama
are still a part of the whole HIV equation. People with HIV should understand
that their condition is still unpopular among general society and
they need to act accordingly. But hiding the truth is only enabling the
public to maintain these highly-charged feelings.
Remember, most of us no longer hide our homosexuality from society, and
society has slowly begun to accept us. We're a lot more integrated into
American society than we were 20-some years ago when I came out. It's not
such a big deal anymore. The same can happen with HIV as long as people
are upfront and honest about it instead of acting as if it were something
shameful. Strong people know that a hostile or overly dramatic reaction to
the news is the problem of the other guy.
Yes, your friend still poses a threat, no matter how minor, to his partner.
Condoms are NOT foolproof. Short of abstinence, they are the CDC's best
answer to containing the virus. But they aren't the ONLY answer, nor are
they a concrete answer to virus transmission. This is why your friend needs
to tell his fuckbuddy ASAP. Hopefully his buddy will not freak out or end
the relationship... or distrust your friend. These possibilities exist, and
your friend can take full responsibility for making that situation possible
if it turns out that way.
Then again, perhaps they BOTH have been hiding an HIV secret from each other.
Who knows? All in all, I do hope things work out well for them. But if they
don't, your friend now knows what he can do to prevent such things from
happening in the future.
When given options, the best path to follow is always (except in rare
circumstances) the honest one.
Best of luck,
~Bareback Jack.
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