"Am I Dating a Dangerous Man?"

Dear Jack, I have a little problem and I hope you can help.... I am 28 years old and recently have "come out" to the gay world - a late bloomer, yes, but I was married (yes, to a woman!) for a few years and it took me a long time to deal with my real feelings towards men. This I have done and I can safely say I am now very much part of the "gay experience" - that is to say that I am no longer a virgin when it comes to gay sex. I guess I should also say that I am not very much into the gay "scene" - I am what I would consider "just an average bloke"; not overly effeminate or masculine, and not very muscular or even very tall. I guess I could be called a "geek" as I have been called in the past..... Anyway, 7 months ago I started seeing this bloke named Ted - a really great guy! At first I wondered what he saw in ME, because he is SO handsome: tall and muscular and very blond and very tan - something a bit unusual here in Britain. He travels a lot for his job and makes a ton of ££ and for some reason, he is really attracted to me. Not to "do myself down" but I must say I am average looking at best, and I would have NEVER thought such a sexy, masculine man would be interested in me; it just boggled my mind. But we have a really great time together, and have started seeing each other exclusively. He's my first male relationship, and to be quite honest, I never thought it could be this good! However, I have recently become concerned about our sex life. Ever since we had sex the first time, I knew he was a "top" - and whilst I never felt inclined any particular way, I enjoy being a "bottom". He has a really big cock, too (just a hair over 9 inches, and really fat) and he loves nothing more than fucking my ass for (seemingly) hours on end. I am not so blessed - actually I am rather significantly "under" under-endowed; my cock is just under 5 inches... So I make NO objection! HOWEVER - ever since the first time he fucked me, he has never used a condom.... I remember that first time very well, as it was the first time I ever had anal sex and we were at his place - and when we got down to it, he was so gentle and so good with me; he fingered me tenderly to loosen me up and it felt so good! Then he flipped me over on my belly and started to penetrate me and I realised he had not put on a condom. I had the sense to stop him - admittedly I was not very experienced in gay sex, but I knew enough about Safe Sex and I asked if he would use a condom. His simple answer was "no". He said he never used them and he hated them. I was so worked up at that time, I didn't know what to do - but HE did; he didn't wait for me to say anything, he just entered my ass and fucked me. It felt so good, I didn't stop him and when we were well into it, I asked him to pull out before he came, but again - he refused. He said he was going to "fill me up" and that was all there was to it. He held me down as he "filled me up". I let him cum in my ass. When he was done and I got up, I and realised there was a lot of blood coming from my ass and I freaked! I knew I was a virgin but I was not expecting that! He was so sweet and helped me clean up and rubbed some antiseptic lotion on my sphincter - it all seemed a bit surreal, but I knew he cared about me. After that first time, I felt really STUPID. I knew what I did was wrong, and if he did too - this is not a stupid man - why was he deliberately doing something that all the adverts and leaflets had warned me (and all gays) about? I didn't get it and I asked him the next time we met up. Ted told me plain and simple that he was a barebacker - a term I had never really understood. He said it was his "duty" to carry on the task of bareback sex, and that condoms were hateful to him. That seemed a bit bizarre, but he was serious - and then he said that if I objected, we would not be able to see each other and have sex again. THAT really messed with my head! I mean, it meant that much to him? Then I realised (rather quickly) that I really cared about this bloke - and I knew I could fall in love with him. Which WAS the case, I realise now; I was falling for this bloke in a serious way. I gathered up all my nerve and asked if he was HIV positive - I don't know why, but I did. He said "Would it matter?" I said no, it would not. He smiled and turned me over. He had my trousers down in a moment and before I knew what was happening - he was fucking me again. He came in my ass twice that time, and though there was more blood (Like I said, Ted has a BIG cock and uses it like a weapon. No matter how much I protest to "SLOW DOWN" or "GO EASY" he becomes incensed when he fucks me and does not hear a thing I say), I was becoming used to having his cock in my ass. ADDICTED to having his cock in my ass is more like it. And for the past 7 months, this has been what our sex life has been like - HIM fucking ME bareback. Don't get me wrong, I love having him fuck me, but it's all we DO.... Oh he does let me suck his cock and he is a great kisser, but he has never sucked my cock (and actually, he doesn't really touch it much at all) and the other day when I asked him if he would - he said he NEVER would. He said he's not into oral sex, and even if he was... I wouldn't really be worth it, would I? I knew he was alluding to my own shortcoming between my legs, and that sort of hurt. He apologised, but it still hurt my feelings. Anyway, I am resigned to the fact that I have fallen in love with this bloke, and resigned to the fact that as long as we have sex, he will bareback me and he will "fill me up." My concern for "safe sex" has waned a bit, but in the past few weeks I have become more and more intrigued with "bareback sex" - hence the reason to join your site. Like I said, I am not very familiar with all the cultural or social terms or meanings, but I realise that I have probably become a "bottom pig" - yet without even knowing it. I realise I am under the spell of this man, captured by his love and a slave to his big cock - a big cock that dumps a load of cum up my guts at least three times a week who may very well be HIV positive. I say THAT because I did ask him again and he got angry and said if I thought he was HIV positive, what would I DO? I didn't have an answer to that, and I just said "I love you" and he smiled. It has to be said - he has never given me a straight answer to that question.... Okay, so I am weak and spineless and though I am in charge of my own actions and deeds, it has to be said that this bloke has put me here. I have no desire to leave him, no desire to make him unhappy and will probably carry on being his "cum receptacle" for as long as he wants me. If anything bad happens to me, it is my own fault - but what should I DO? Should I stay with this "catch" of a bloke (as all my friends call him - THEY all think I am the luckiest chap!) and just sweep all my worries under the carpet? Or should I leave him, get tested (I suggested we get tested together, and that was a disaster - he utterly refused, and told me NOT to) and put him in my past? Ted made a joke once, and (after we had first started going out) by asking if I had dated much after leaving my wife. Not a lot I said, and he nodded in agreement and said he could see why. I asked what he meant by that and he said that "with a cock as small as yours, I wouldn't expect you WOULD have had many relationships. Good thing I don't even CARE about your little cock, isn't it?" That sounds harsh, but as thought about it - in this cock size obsessed gay world we live in - I knew he was probably right. The other day I asked a friend of a friend I know and (after telling him everything I have told you) he said that Ted was "breeding" me and that he was a "Gift Giver" - and he had well and truly given me his GIFT - as he was probably giving it to other blokes as well. I don't know about Ted seeing other blokes (though it is a possibility) and I was not sure about the terms "breeding" and "Gift Giver" (can you explain in more detail?) but it has made me think.... Maybe I am asking for validation - maybe I want you to say "go forth and be bred" or "leave this bastard behind before he ruins your life!" but I would like some objective input, if can provide this.... What should I do? Thanks for your help! Please sign me as below: Stephen AE. Reese

Dear Stephen, Usually it is easy for me to come up with an opening to a reply. Not in your case, however. For starters, I am dumbfounded. And that's an almost never-occurring situation. I should prepare you for what is about to come with this reply. I shoot from the hip, but my intent is rarely to insult ~ even when it might not sound as if I am being at all thoughtful. I don't write to be politically correct. I say what I feel and what I mean. Just trying to soften the blow to you in advance. With that said, here's my answer... What a sad and unfortunate introduction to gay life you have had. The guy you have fallen in love with is a jerk. A thoughtless, sinister jerk. My impressions of him are all over the map, but the map is of Hell. What has happened by your account should NEVER have happened. You have been victimized by the worst kind of predator I can think of. I have to wonder: Does he use drugs? My dumbfoundedness is quickly abating. Okay. Let's start with the assumption that he is HIV-Negative. I'm NOT advocating that you or anyone should ever start from this assumption when dealing with a barebacker ~ including myself. However, I feel like being optimistic for the moment, and the situation is already in play. So let's say that, for argument's sake, he is actually HIV-Negative. Why wouldn't he tell you? Why won't he satisfy your fear and reasonable concern with a simple answer? Well, I suppose he could be the type who likes eliciting fear out of his sexual subjects. It's not an altogether unusual trait in dominant tops. As long as you play into it, he'll take advantage of that. That, in and of itself, is not worthy of hyper concern ~ IF that is indeed the case. Now, you claim he says he's a barebacker. Nothing inherently wrong in that. However, I have a real problem with some of the things he has said in his explanation about identifying himself as a barebacker. Believe me when I tell you that there is NO DUTY TO CARRY ON ANY TASK OR AGENDA through sex. Barebacking is a personal choice, NOT a duty. I have no idea why he thought you would buy that bit of bullshit, but you did. And this has me very worried. Here's why: He raped you on your first date. You told him to use a condom. He didn't. You told him to pull out before cumming; he didn't. You told him you wanted safe sex, he ignored that request. That's rape, baby. He shows you no respect for your own personal health (that includes making you bleed on your first date, as well as cumming inside you). He dodges questions about his HIV status and tries to make you feel guilty for asking. He has insisted that you don't get tested. I admit I don't know the jerk, but he sounds like a textbook example of a gift-giver. It is ironic you should write this to me now, as I recently replied to a local article that referred to men who do such stuff as "Neo Vampires". You are the first to have ever contacted me with this actual situation. What is a Gift-Giver? The definition can be somewhat broad, but let it suffice to say that a Gift-Giver is one who intentionally passes HIV on from himself to another individual. Gift-giving and its complement, bug-chasing, are a relatively small phenomenon in the gay community, though these practices do exist. In most cases I have heard of, the exchange is done with the consent of both parties. Don't ask me why, but it does happen. Occasionally Gift-Givers have been known to intentionally infect those who have not consented... hence the name "Neo-Vampire". In some U.S. states that is tantamount to attempted murder. I call it sexual terrorism. While I can't claim absolute knowledge on this subject, never having studied groups of men driven by this motivation, there are three reasons I can think of why a man would intentionally infect another without consent. Anger Drug abuse HIV related dementia Anger: You say this Ted is drop-dead gorgeous. If he is HIV+Positive there is sufficient reason to believe that he might be angry over his HIV status and he wants to take that anger out on someone else. If he, with all his God given attributes could be cheated out of the promise of a full and healthy life by HIV, then so could the next guy. At least that may be his rationale. Remember, though, if he is HIV+Positive and he came by his HIV through sexual contact, it is his responsibility or lack thereof that made him that way. He can be angry all he likes. Giving HIV to another without consent shows a lack of both integrity and the ability to accept his responsibility and the consequences of his HIV conversion. Drug Abuse: There is a real problem with drug abuse in the world of barebacking. Not only do many gay men become introduced to barebacking while "partying", most become HIV infected while under the influence of party drugs. And with drug abuse comes paranoia. Men on drugs often lie or do not discuss/disclose that they have HIV for fear of losing a potential fuckmate. I know someone in my area who is now identifying himself as a tweaker and claiming he doesn't know his HIV status (he used to admit he is poz), and his lying is pissing me off, as he's only serving to endanger innocent men. AIDS Dementia: When HIV progresses to the brain and dementia begins, some men apparently start believing it is their obligation to pass the virus along. At this point they become sociopathic and need to be dealt with by the proper legal and health officials. I can say this, if it helps... at least he isn't telling you lies. Clever of him, too. That way, if he IS HIV+Positive and you become infected, you can't charge him with lying to you about it. He hasn't confirmed nor denied anything. From my perspective it sounds as though he is trying to hide something. Enough about that scumbag for a moment... let's move on to a discussion about you. First off, you really put yourself down throughout your whole letter. I was similarly self-deprecating when I was a young teen. Thankfully I had teachers in school who intervened and taught me the importance of maintaining some level of self-worth. It's not healthy for a teen to consistently think so poorly of himself, and it can be downright dangerous for an adult to think that way. Your introduction to your question is full of self-doubt: "Why would he be so interested in me when he's everything I believe I'm not?" Does that matter, Stephen? Opposites DO attract. Here's a little tidbit I picked up over the years: When someone compliments you or expresses something favorable about you, they are in essence saying they are appreciative of the job your Creator did in making you. Can you argue with the one who paid you the compliment by telling them (or inwardly believing) they are wrong... that your Creator DIDN'T do such a hot job? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. There is incredible truth in that statement. Accept compliments with grace and remember that you are a direct reflection of a much greater entity ~ whichever one you may have chosen to subscribe to. While I may think of your Ted as a textbook example of a complete scumbag, your letter comes off making you look like a textbook candidate for spousal abuse. Here the guy does all sorts of things that are harmful to you, and you let him. He fucks you as he wants to regardless of your protestations or the damage he inflicts, he insults you with unabashed insensitivity, and it is quite likely given both his actions and attitude that he is infecting you with HIV every time he fucks you. And YOU KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE. This is a potentially lethal situation for you. I did learn a lot about the cycle of spousal abuse while on jury duty, immediately following an abusive relationship I had been in. My situation echoed the classic cycle a little more closely than does yours, however please don't minimize the importance of what I am about to say here. The first hallmark of a spousal abuser is CONTROL. The aggressor uses whatever devices are necessary to break the other person's spirit and gain ultimate control. This can be accomplished by putting down the weaker one's friends, limiting bank accounts and controlling spending, portraying the partner as sub-standard in as many aspects as possible, insulting them, showing indifference to things the partner finds important (or what SHOULD be important to them), and the doing away with privileges. Usually the privileges are things most of us take for granted, like talking on the phone, driving the car, watching TV, or interacting with others. This is how the cycle of abuse begins. The next phase is VIOLENCE. It often will begin with the abuser starting arguments over small and insignificant things, then escalating to pushing, hitting, throwing things, or any other form of physical abuse. Physical abuse can also include non-consensual sex in many forms. If the abuser is allowed to continue, the last phase of spousal abuse will ultimately be DEATH. Deaths caused by abuse are most always accidental in nature... a beating that goes too far, or other physical violence or aggression that gets out of hand. Infecting you with a potentially lethal disease falls into the category of sexual violence with criminal intent. During the cycle of abuse, the abused partner will often crack at some point. The abuser will relent, apologize, and give back privileges and authority he previously took away. The victim then forgives the abuser, and life is as good as it gets. This eye of the storm is referred to by psychologists as the "HONEYMOON PHASE". Once the victim gets too complacent again, the abuser begins the cycle once more and pushes it as far along as he can until the next meltdown, and then the next, etc. I believe you are in such a relationship, and I am very worried for you. While all the particulars may not match the examples above, there are enough red flags here to signal an army. So here are my suggestions. First, go get yourself tested. You won't be disobeying him nor violating any particular trust. You will, however, be doing the right thing for yourself, and that is what is most important. There are a number of different types of tests available. I might recommend you see if anyone in your area is doing a 30-minute test (kind of like an EPT test). It involves a blood draw, then the blood is mixed with an agent and a litmus-like paper is immersed for a half hour. Depending on how the bands on the strip react, they can tell you if you are currently exhibiting antibodies to HIV. If the test strip reacts, they will likely want to have your blood tested through more conventional methods. False positives CAN occur with this 30-minute test, but I am told the likelihood of a false negative is tiny. I suggest this test method because you can get an answer of some kind in one visit. Sometimes the waiting period of a standard HIV test (one to two weeks) can be nerve wracking. And that waiting period often gives victims of abuse time to create justifications for staying in the abusive relationship. Once you have your answer, you will better know what to do. If the test comes back HIV-Negative, breathe a sigh of relief and plan on getting tested again in 3 months. If the test comes back HIV+Positive you may have some more significant choices to make. No matter what the result, I am going to recommend you end this relationship. I don't usually stick my nose so far into a member's affairs, but I do feel this is a case where I have to make this recommendation. I think you love him for all the unhealthiest of reasons: he's attractive, popular with your friends, and he has a big dick. That's just surface shit. You've been ignoring what lies below too long, and it may be hurting you the longer you stay in this. Stephen, there are a LOT of good-looking, big-dicked men out there who wouldn't treat you so thoughtlessly. And there are a lot of very average men with average-sized dicks who could show you all the respect you deserve. Yes, DESERVE. Even though your opinion of yourself may be in need of a huge overhaul, that does not mean that you don't deserve real love, respect, and caring in a relationship. This Ted jerk hasn't shown you (even if he may have told you) that he loves you. He has demonstrated that his true devotion is to his penis, and that's about it. There is one thing you should bear in mind, and that is that it will be harder to receive respect and love from others if you don't at least outwardly show you feel those things for yourself. This Ted jerk strikes me as being an opportunist who sees you as easy prey. And thus I can't be certain if he thinks of you as a life partner or just a disposable piece of ass that will do until something better comes along. I can't say it enough... there's just too much here that worries me. Enlist the help of your friends in getting you out of this relationship. It sounds as though you need a few helping hands and hearts. You say that your friends think he's quite the catch, but you and I both know that's because they aren't in on the things you've told me. I doubt they would continue believing that fantasy if you were upfront with them about the true goings on in your relationship. The one friend you've confided in is worried for you, and with good reason. I'm horrified by what you've written, and I'm not even acquainted with him, thank God. Keep in mind that it doesn't matter how good looking, charming, or well hung a man is... a complete schmuck like you've described is no "catch". He's scum and a threat to your future well being. You should take some time each day to remind yourself you are a worthy human being. Meditate on that and draw up your strongest reserves so you can have the necessary willpower to cut this toxic cord. I know firsthand what it is like to break away from someone you love deeply who is also a bad element. Love works on the same principle as drug addiction, since the emotion or the sense of being in love creates endorphins which stimulate the reward/pleasure centers in the brain. A man can be a very hard habit to break. But it CAN be done. Remember these things: Love is not about damage, whether it be physical, sexual, or emotional. There are lots of fish in the sea. Some bareback, but truthfully most still do not. And many will only do so once a significant level of trust has been established. Your first and primary obligation in this world is to take care of yourself. It is nobody else's job... and really, why would you entrust that job to anyone else? "No" always means "No", and nobody has the power to take that away from you. "No" is the most powerful word in any language. It is the word by which we each maintain our power and integrity. Only YOU can determine whether or not you get HIV or any other STD. You are responsible for anything you allow into your body. When a man says he's nothing special, he usually means he's average. And Stephen, "average" covers a very broad cross-section of humanity. While there is a great emphasis placed on youth, beauty, and physical excellence in the gay community, the truth is that only a small portion of mankind fits into that ideal. The bulk of humanity is "average". You're well-represented. In addition to leaving him, I think you need to look into what it is that has made you so attracted to someone who treats you like shit. Stephen, there are many, many people out there with whom you might be able to forge a truly loving and lasting relationship, and who won't require such a high level of personal sacrifice to be with. It means testing the waters a bit. It's not likely you will find Mr. Right without some trial and error. But I am sure you will find plenty of other men who will show you respect and have an interest in you, your desires, your body, and your dick. One of them might be a perfect match. If you think you need some sort of abusive treatment in the bedroom (as some men do), then at least find someone who knows where the limit lies between healthy role-playing and dangerous abusiveness. Until you can extract yourself from this relationship, please do not let this man fuck you again. Get your HIV test and mentally prepare yourself for your test to come back positive. If it doesn't, great! But don't use that as another excuse to let him back into your ass or your life. Open up to your friends and ask for their intervention if you need it to break the Ted habit. Draw up your own inner strength (yes, you have plenty inner strength) and give Ted his walking papers... and don't look back. Make the effort to find someone who will love you for YOU, not one who would dally with your emotions or jeopardize your health just because you offer a tight piece of ass. Don't be afraid to exercise willpower or say "NO" to someone... especially Ted. Here are 10 things to remember in the future: No man is ashamed to be HIV-negative. No reasonable man would feel the need to hide his negative status. Love is not shown through violence or abuse. Be aware of the signs of abuse and walk away from any relationship that begins to show those signs. Being HIV+Positive isn't the end of the world, but it will change your world dramatically. And on many levels, being HIV-Negative is better. Try to maintain that status in your life through wise decisions and knowledge. Only engage in unprotected sex when it is MUTUALLY CONSENSUAL between you and your partner(s). Learn the rules of Safer Unsafe Sex and abide by them, regardless of your HIV status. You are a worthy human being and a contributing member of society. You are loved by your family and friends. You are not a piece of filth, nor should anyone ever be allowed to treat you as such. You are responsible for your own life. Take and keep control of it. When saying "NO" has no effect, do whatever is necessary to ensure that your "NO" means NO. That includes ending a sexual encounter without remorse if it violates your wishes or your safety. Sexual intercourse is meant to be enjoyed. It is the most intimate act that two (or more) people can engage in. Strive to make your sexual encounters mutually satisfying and never settle for anything less. Show yourself respect and others will respect you in kind. If someone doesn't, you don't need that person in your life. I wish you the absolute best, Stephen. If you need any further encouragement, please feel free to consider me as your "sponsor" (just as you might in any 12 step program). Please let me know how your HIV test turns out. Sincerely, ~Bareback Jack.